i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
