We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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