the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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