Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
