he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
