So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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