false alarm. still invincible.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
