you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
