He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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