We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
