have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
