It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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