Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
