I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So many bounce houses so little time
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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