He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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