areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
