Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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