I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
