So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
