I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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