You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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