I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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