I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
