I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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