somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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