I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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