oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
