my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
