i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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