why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
