I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Someone came in the potted fern
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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