Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
