some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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