There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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