She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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