I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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