Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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