Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
