I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
