I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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