Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
