Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
