Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The beer is more important than you right now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
