I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
