there's paper in my vomit.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
