Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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