At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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