I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
