is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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