Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
