i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
