ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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